Santa Claus - an engineer's perspective

[David Kerber]

Any of you asking for bike stuff from Santa Claus might do well to
read this. I didn't check the calculations, but I'm sure it wouldn't
change the final result:


1: There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in
the world, however, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim,
Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for
Christmas night to just 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to
the population reference bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5
children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming at
there is at least one good child in each.

2: Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the
different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he
travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to
967.7 visits per second. This is to say, for every Christian
household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000 of a second to
park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings,
distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks
have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh
and get on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million
stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which of course, we know
to be false, but will accept for the purpose of our calculations). We
are talking about 1.25 Km per household, a total of 120.8 million Km,
not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is
moving at 1040 Km per second........3,000 times the speed of sound.
For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses
space probe, moves at a poky 43.8 Km per second, and a conventional
reindeer can run (at best) 25 Km per hour.

3: The pay load of the sleigh adds another interesting element.
Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium Lego set (two
pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting
Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than
300 pounds, even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten
times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine
of them......Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the
payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons,
or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship,
not the monarch).

4: 600,000 tons traveling at 1040 Km per second creates enormous air
resistance....this would heat up the lead reindeer in the same fashion
as a space shuttle re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair
of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second
each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously,
exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms
in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26
thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the
fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as
a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 1040 k p s in .001
seconds, would be subjected to centrifugal forces of 17,500 G's. A 250
pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back
of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his
bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.

5: Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.


--
Dave Kerber
Fight spam: remove the ns_ from the return address before replying!

REAL programmers write self-modifying code.

[Sorni]

"David Kerber" > wrote in message
...
> Any of you asking for bike stuff from Santa Claus might do well to
> read this. I didn't check the calculations, but I'm sure it wouldn't
> change the final result: {snippage}

Very cute...but older than dirt.

Bill "sorta like Sheldon?" S.

[David Reuteler]

Sorni > wrote:
: Bill "sorta like Sheldon?" S.

now you've done it.
--
david reuteler

[David Kerber]

In article >, sorni@bite-
me.san.rr.com says...
> "David Kerber" > wrote in message
> ...
> > Any of you asking for bike stuff from Santa Claus might do well to
> > read this. I didn't check the calculations, but I'm sure it wouldn't
> > change the final result: {snippage}
>
> Very cute...but older than dirt.
>
> Bill "sorta like Sheldon?" S.

Yep!

I figured it had been around the internet a few times, but I haven't
seen it before, so figured I'd post it.

--
Dave Kerber
Fight spam: remove the ns_ from the return address before replying!

REAL programmers write self-modifying code.

[Sorni]

"David Reuteler" > wrote in message
...
> Sorni > wrote:
> : Bill "sorta like Sheldon?" S.
>
> now you've done it.

I kid because I love :)

Bill "almost used Jobst but figured he'd climb through the cable at me" S.

[Tom Sherman]

Sorni wrote:
>
> Very cute...but older than dirt.

It is not dirt - the correct term is soil. And since soil is the product
of weathering of rock, it is really not that old in the overall scheme
of things.

Tom Sherman - Planet Earth

[[email protected]]

David Kerber > wrote:
: Any of you asking for bike stuff from Santa Claus might do well to
: read this. I didn't check the calculations, but I'm sure it wouldn't
: change the final result:

Well, I'm afraid anybody who's knowledgeable in Santistics (the
study of Santa Claus and related entities and phenomena) is able
to point out a few errors or omissions in the chain of reasoning.

Still, it's nice to see that this branch of science has reached
the level of mathematical models.

: 1: There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in
: the world, however, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim,
: Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for
: Christmas night to just 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to
: the population reference bureau).

You talk only of major religions. (Also might be a good idea to
check that Santa is not included in Hindu deities.) There's
probably some million people who are religiously unaffiliated, or
belong to minor (eg. local and native) religions.

: 2: Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the
: different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he
: travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to
: 967.7 visits per second. This is to say, for every Christian
: household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000 of a second to
: park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings,
: distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks
: have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh
: and get on to the next house.

It is a well known - and empirically observable - fact that Santa
can be in multiple places at the same time. This is a bit
difficult to explain, but several theories have been suggested.
Some theories are derived from relativity or quantum physics,
while others conclude that Santa is a transcendent entity - and
the empirically observable Santas are "merely" incarnations.

: For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses
: space probe, moves at a poky 43.8 Km per second, and a conventional
: reindeer can run (at best) 25 Km per hour.

I mentioned the reindeer in IRC, which raised some doubts. For
example, I can reach the same speed while sprinting (on feet). Is
that 25 km/h really the reindeer all-out sprint speed in ideal
conditions, or did you get the figure for reindeer cruising speed?

I'm sure if you'd ask for average speeds from reindeer enthusiasts,
they'd post something way higher than 25 km/h!

: 4: 600,000 tons traveling at 1040 Km per second creates enormous air
: resistance....this would heat up the lead reindeer in the same fashion
: as a space shuttle re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair
: of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second
: each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously,
: exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms
: in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26
: thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the
: fifth house on his trip.

Maybe, but does the sleigh do athmospheric re-entry? Also it's
possible that Santa mounts some kind of a front fairing on the
lead reindeer in order to reduce aerodynamic drag and minimize the
weather effects. In addition, you fail to mention any
paceline/drafting effects the reindeer would be getting.

: 5: Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.

So it seems that the conclusion is in need of slight revision.

--
Risto Varanka | http://www.helsinki.fi/~rvaranka/hpv/hpv.html
varis at no spam please iki fi

[Zoot Katz]

6 Dec 2003 07:21:42 GMT, >,
wrote:

>I'm sure if you'd ask for average speeds from reindeer enthusiasts,
>they'd post something way higher than 25 km/h!

During migrations, herds move at a rate of 19-55 kilometers / 11-33
miles per day.

The caribou's maximum running speed is 60-80 kmph / 36-48 mph.

When swimming, adults can maintain a speed of 6.5 kpmh / 4 mph, and
when pressed can swim at 10 kmph / 6 mph
--
zk

[bioguy]

Risto Varanka [/i]You talk only of major religions. (Also might be a good idea to check that Santa is not included in
Hindu deities.) There's probably some million people who are religiously unaffiliated, or belong to
minor (eg. local and native) religions.[/QUOTE]
Christmas is also held on different dates. In Russia, I believe it will be January 7. Also, their "Grandfather Frost" looks different than the American Santa. So, perhaps there are regional Santas responsible for particular territories.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Risto Varanka wrote:[i]
> Maybe, but does the sleigh do athmospheric re-entry? Also it's possible
> that Santa mounts some kind of a front fairing on the lead reindeer in
> order to reduce aerodynamic drag and minimize the weather effects. In
> addition, you fail to mention any paceline/drafting effects the reindeer
> would be getting.


The sled and harnesses for the reindeer are made of a composite which
zeroes the mass of anything that it touches. As a result, the entire
rig goes at the speed of light and there is no
acceleration/deceleration problem.

All I want for Christmas - a bike made of that mass zeroing composite.



--

[bioguy]

Risto Varanka [/i]You talk only of major religions. (Also might be a good idea to check that Santa is not included in
Hindu deities.) There's probably some million people who are religiously unaffiliated, or belong to
minor (eg. local and native) religions.[/QUOTE]
Christmas is also held on different dates. In Russia, I believe it will be January 7. Also, their "Grandfather Frost" looks different than the American Santa. So, perhaps there are regional Santas responsible for particular territories.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Risto Varanka wrote:[i]
> Maybe, but does the sleigh do athmospheric re-entry? Also it's possible
> that Santa mounts some kind of a front fairing on the lead reindeer in
> order to reduce aerodynamic drag and minimize the weather effects. In
> addition, you fail to mention any paceline/drafting effects the reindeer
> would be getting.


The sled and harnesses for the reindeer are made of a composite which
zeroes the mass of anything that it touches. As a result, the entire
rig goes at the speed of light and there is no
acceleration/deceleration problem.

All I want for Christmas - a bike made of that mass zeroing composite.



--

[Zippy the Pinhead]

On Fri, 05 Dec 2003 23:38:27 -0800, Zoot Katz >
wrote:

>When swimming, adults can maintain a speed of 6.5 kpmh / 4 mph, and
>when pressed can swim at 10 kmph / 6 mph

Does the average reindeer feel adequately "pressed", however, merely
by exhortations such as "On, Comet! On, Cupid! On, Donner and
Blitzen"?

I've not made a study of the use of such motivating techniques in
managing reindeer, but from similar trials in humans, I'd suspect not.

[Skip]

"bioguy" > wrote in message
...
>
> All I want for Christmas - a bike made of that mass zeroing composite.
>

No mass -- no "weight" -- no friction with the road -- no traction -- no
progress.

- Skip

[Ray Heindl]

Tom Sherman > wrote:

> Sorni wrote:
>>
>> Very cute...but older than dirt.
>
> It is not dirt - the correct term is soil.

To an agronomist, maybe. To most people it's dirt.

> And since soil is the
> product of weathering of rock, it is really not that old in the
> overall scheme of things.

But it's probably older than the engineering analysis of Santa Claus,
if only by a small margin.

How about "older than Methuselah"? Or "since Hector was a pup"?

--
Ray Heindl
(remove the Xs to reply)

[Ray Heindl]

Zippy the Pinhead > wrote:

> On Fri, 05 Dec 2003 23:38:27 -0800, Zoot Katz
> > wrote:
>
>>When swimming, adults can maintain a speed of 6.5 kpmh / 4 mph,
>>and when pressed can swim at 10 kmph / 6 mph
>
> Does the average reindeer feel adequately "pressed", however,
> merely by exhortations such as "On, Comet! On, Cupid! On, Donner
> and Blitzen"?
>
> I've not made a study of the use of such motivating techniques in
> managing reindeer, but from similar trials in humans, I'd suspect
> not.

The poem fails to mention the cattle prod and the whip. Mere yelling
would never get them to fly.

--
Ray Heindl
(remove the Xs to reply)

[Eric S. Sande]

>How about "older than Methuselah"? Or "since Hector was a pup"?

Deader than Heinlein.

--

_______________________ALL AMIGA IN MY MIND_______________________
------------------"Buddy Holly, the Texas Elvis"------------------

[Zoot Katz]

Sat, 06 Dec 2003 14:36:39 GMT,
>, Zippy the
Pinhead > wrote:

>
>Does the average reindeer feel adequately "pressed", however, merely
>by exhortations such as "On, Comet! On, Cupid! On, Donner and
>Blitzen"?
>
Perhaps they'll feel compelled by entreaties like "On, Alpo! On,
Friskies! On, Kibbles-n-Bits!"
--
zk

[Zippy the Pinhead]

On Sat, 06 Dec 2003 14:57:03 -0800, Zoot Katz >
wrote:

>>Does the average reindeer feel adequately "pressed", however, merely
>>by exhortations such as "On, Comet! On, Cupid! On, Donner and
>>Blitzen"?
>>
>Perhaps they'll feel compelled by entreaties like "On, Alpo! On,
>Friskies! On, Kibbles-n-Bits!"

You owe me a keyboard and a beer.

[[email protected]]

bioguy > wrote:
: Christmas is also held on different dates. In Russia, I believe
it will be January 7. Also, their "Grandfather Frost" looks
different than the American Santa. So, perhaps there are regional
Santas responsible for particular territories.

Santa follows a scheme ah so familiar from the movie industry:
different premier dates on different markets.

And you are right, the guy is apparently the Russian subcontractor
to Santa.

--
Risto Varanka | http://www.helsinki.fi/~rvaranka/hpv/hpv.html
varis at no spam please iki fi

[Tom Keats]

In article >,
writes:

> Still, it's nice to see that this branch of science has reached
> the level of mathematical models.

I hate to say it, but Santa Claus is merely a Coca Cola
commercial construct.

And the C programming language was an April Fool's joke.

And Java is merely an extension of XView. And if cycling was
programming languages, C# is bike lanes -- nothing but bleak
bike lanes, from which no one can deviate.


cheers,
Tom

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[Tom Keats]

In article >,
(Tom Keats) writes:


> C# is bike lanes -- nothing but bleak
> bike lanes, from which no one can deviate.

PS:

C# is C that the ghost of Commodore "give me a nanosecond"
Grace Whatshername has diddled with.

C# is COBOL all over again.


cheers again,
Tom

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[Eric S. Sande]

>C# is C that the ghost of Commodore "give me a nanosecond" Grace
>Whatshername has diddled with.

Uh, Rear Admiral Hopper. Commodore is no longer a rank in the US
Navy although the history is fascinating.

If you are interested in that sort of thing.

http://users.sisna.com/justinb/cop.html


--

_______________________ALL AMIGA IN MY MIND_______________________
------------------"Buddy Holly, the Texas Elvis"------------------

[David Kerber]

In article >,
says...
> In article >,
> (Tom Keats) writes:
>
>
> > C# is bike lanes -- nothing but bleak
> > bike lanes, from which no one can deviate.
>
> PS:
>
> C# is C that the ghost of Commodore "give me a nanosecond"
> Grace Whatshername has diddled with.

Grace Hopper.

--
Dave Kerber
Fight spam: remove the ns_ from the return address before replying!

REAL programmers write self-modifying code.

[Zippy the Pinhead]

On Sun, 07 Dec 2003 09:38:25 -0500, "Eric S. Sande" >
wrote:

>Uh, Rear Admiral Hopper. Commodore is no longer a rank in the US
>Navy although the history is fascinating.

"Rear Admiral, Lower Half". What a rank to aspire to.

[Carl Fogel]

David Kerber > wrote in message >...

[snip]

> >
> > C# is C that the ghost of Commodore "give me a nanosecond"
> > Grace Whatshername has diddled with.
>
> Grace Hopper.

Dear David,

You are wise, grasshopper.

David Carradine

[Matthew]

"bioguy" > wrote in message
...
>
> All I want for Christmas - a bike made of that mass zeroing composite.
>
Oh yeah. This is a bicycle newsgroup.

Matthew

[David Reuteler]

Tom Keats > wrote:
: And Java is merely an extension of XView. And if cycling was
: programming languages, C# is bike lanes -- nothing but bleak
: bike lanes, from which no one can deviate.

wimper.
--
david reuteler

[Rick Onanian]

On Fri, 05 Dec 2003 21:20:47 -0600, Tom Sherman
> wrote:
>Sorni wrote:
>> Very cute...but older than dirt.
>
>It is not dirt - the correct term is soil. And since soil is the product
>of weathering of rock, it is really not that old in the overall scheme
>of things.

Well, what's dirt, then? And is it older than soil?

>Tom Sherman - Planet Earth
--
Rick Onanian - Plan It, Earth

[Rick Onanian]

On Fri, 5 Dec 2003 14:13:40 -0500, David Kerber
> wrote:
Major snippage follows:
>2: Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the
>967.7 visits per second. This is to say, for every Christian
>household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000 of a second to
>pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting
>Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than
>300 pounds, even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten
>5: Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.

I think this says it all:
Chong: No, man. No, man, how'd he do all that other stuff, man?
Like, how'd he make himself small, man. And, how'd he, like, how'd
he get the reindeer off the ground, man?
Cheech: Oh, well, man, he had some magic dust, man.
Chong: Some magic dust?
Cheech: Yeah, magic dust, y'know? He used ta give a little bit to da
reindeer, a little bit to Santa Claus, a little bit more for Santa
Claus, a little bit more...
Chong: And this would get the reindeer off, man?
Cheech: Aw, got 'em off, man?!? Are you kidding, man? They flew all
da way around da world, man
--
Rick Onanian

[Mike Kruger]

David Kerber > repeated a bunch of
misinformation he found on the internet, including:
>
> 1: There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in
> the world, ...
>
> 2: Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the
> different time zones ... Assuming that each of these 108 million
> stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which of course, we know
> to be false, but will accept for the purpose of our calculations). We
> are talking about 1.25 Km per household, a total of 120.8 million Km,
> not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is
> moving at 1040 Km per second........3,000 times the speed of sound.
> For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses
> space probe, moves at a poky 43.8 Km per second, and a conventional
> reindeer can run (at best) 25 Km per hour....
>
> 5: Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.

Yes, David Kerber, there is a Santa Claus.

You point out a number of interesting facts in your letter, contending
that one Santa just couldn't do it all, but you fail too see the
obvious
conclusion -- FRANCHISING! This also explains why "Santa" is often
known
as "Santa Claus". Let me explain:

1. As you note, Santa would need to make 822.6 visits per second, or
2,961,360 per hour. However, if we assume that there are 740,340
worldwide Santas (the exact number is known only to the Salvation
Army),
then each Santa has to make 1 visit only every 15 minutes.

2. Roughly speaking, this is

5 minutes for travel (footnote below)
1 minute for sorting out that house's gifts
1 minute for chimney diving / lock picking
3 minutes for gift arranging
2 minutes for cookie eating
1 minute for exiting premises and returning to sleigh
2 minutes "slack" time for unforseen events (most commonly, large
dogs)
---
15 minutes

3. "Santa" is, of course, a very sought after title, and the
geographic
franchises to be the local "Santa" are subject to yearly adjustments
due
to population shifts. The changes in the legal paragraphs governing
geographic territories in the "Santa" agreement are called "Santa
Clauses", a term which eventually has been commonly applied to
"Santas"
themselves.

Thanks for the opportunity to clear this up.

Mike Kruger
(originally written for Christmas 1996; numbers current as of that
date)


Footnote: The travel time has been reduced considerably in this
century
by the use of "jet sleighs" manufactured by Boeing. The original model
7
sleigh, in fact, is what gave the Boeing corporation its name. Elves,
noticing how the new sleighs (with, sadly, aluminum reindeer) bounced
from housetop to housetop, cheered "Boing! Boing!", which in an Elvin
accent sounded like "Boeing! Boeing!".

[Tom Keats]

In article >,
David Reuteler > writes:
> Tom Keats > wrote:
>: And Java is merely an extension of XView. And if cycling was
>: programming languages, C# is bike lanes -- nothing but bleak
>: bike lanes, from which no one can deviate.
>
> wimper.

I psychically intuit there's somebody out there who's stuck
for a Christmas gift idea. Maybe it's you? Anyhow, the
answer for that person, whomever it is, is the book: "The
Mathematics of Oz".


cheers,
Tom

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