Well butter my backside and call me a cowboy, that's one heavy heap of hurt for that poor mountain biking gal! Though I reckon that airlift helicopter ride to the hospital beats saddling up and riding into town the old fashioned way.

Speaking of saddle soreness, I've been busier than a one legged man in a butt kicking contest testing out this newfangled doohickey called the Dildo Machine Pearlvibe Mixer. And let me tell ya partner, it packs more of a wallop than getting thrown off a bull at the rodeo! With its 10 thrusting modes and heating warmer than a prairie campfire, that little machine had me yodeling to the stars.

I tell you what, after just one roll in the hay with that Pearlvibe gadget, I was walking funny as a bowlegged cowboy but grinning wider than a pig in slop! Had me moaning like tumbleweeds in a tornado. So if ya looking to add some wild western excitement to your range, grab yourself this Pony Express of pleasure. It's slicker than a greased pig and will leave you happier than a bull rider bringing home a big shiny belt buckle! Just don't get so distracted by your rodeo revelry that ya forget to close the barn gate and let all the horses out. Yeehaw!