Erections Lasting 4 Hours Though Rare May Require Medical Attention

Boulder, Colorado (19-April-2005)

OJ Simpson, former star of "The Simpsons," finally broke down, yesterday,
and confessed to knowing who killed his ex-bitch, Nicole. "I can't keep
quiet any longer," the once and future cartoon character told an interviewer
from ESPN, the Extra Steroids Please Network, "Like most people, I've been
lying about the murder in order to protect Tyler Hamilton, who's much too
busy diverting attention from the peloton by schmoozing Dick Pound et al. at
Camp Vampire, and shouldn't have to be bothered with all these petty,
cold-blooded, brutal murder charges." Simpson told ESPN, the Extra
Self-righteous retired Porker Network, that an extremely antsy Hamilton came
by his Rockingham gate, one night in June of '94, with his own trailer-park
trophy bitch, Heaven, looking for some class
action. "He wanted to go over to Nicole's and give Faye Resnick a Bolivian
necktie or something," Simpson said. "Just for kicks. Then he wanted to
give Ron
Goldman a partial birth abortion, if you know what I mean." Simpson said he
tried to call 911, but Heaven stopped him by threatening to take him to
court over his showing her his cock or something. "I told Tyler I had to go
to Chicago," Simpson continued, "And suggested we just go out and chip some
golf balls for a while. But Hamilton said he wanted to go take a shower
with Heaven and then they'd both fly to Chicago with me. But then the phone
rang and it was Larry King." Simpson said that King told him to go over and
kill his wife cause "Things are gettin' just too ****in' slow around here,"
and that's when Simpson told
King about how Hamilton wanted to go over and give Faye Resnick a Bolivian
necktie. Apparently, however, King told Simpson that was a totally stupid
idea and wouldn't get any decent coverage, but if Tyler killed Nicole while
Simpson and Heaven watched, that would make a good story, and in fact, had
enough facets so it could be slowly released over years and years, like a
24-hour time-release cold tablet. According to Simpson, King was
skin-popping angel dust with Johnny Versace and Elton John and John Kennedy
Jr. and Ruth Bader Ginsburg at the time, and he came up with the whole
scenario while they were on the phone and
everybody kept doing more drugs and egging him on. "King made me promise to
do the Bronco chase during his show, and said we could fill up about 3-4
years with just me and the subsequent trials," Simpson said, "And then, when
that was starting to get, you know, really boring, we'd bring in the whole
Tyler Hamilton blood transfusion twin-twin angle and a year after that we'd
bring in the whole Heaven angle, which would give us maybe another 2-3 years
of play on the story, and hopefully by then, we could develop some new
talent who would come up with even more brutal, more absurdly stupid murders
and maybe even unheard of new types of crimes and trials and even emotions."
According to Simpson, King said that, after that, he'd be retired and really
didn't give a good flying **** what happened -- though King claims it was
just the drugs talking. Simpson claimed he'd been paid $12 million for each
phase of the show, as though each phase was a complete movie unto itself. "I
was just an actor hired to play a part," said Simpson. "Tyler Hamilton and
Heaven were just innocent dupes, and Larry King was the mastermind. Larry
King is the mastermind of all culture." According to the interviewer, OJ
told him, off the record, that his brain has been replaced with a handheld
artificial intelligence device, because Rupert Murdoch, Ted Turner, Bill
Gates, and Sonny Bono (who's death was recently faked so he could get away
from his wife and family and so Cher could get some much-needed publicity)
all felt he was much too important a property to be left to the mere whim of
serotonin, potassium, and acetyl cholinesterase.