HOW TO GIVE UP CYCLING

How to give up cycling
Written by Bob Williams
Following the shocking revelation that heat generated by vigorous
exercise is a major contributor to global warming, we are all having
to reassess our own activities. It comes as a major surprise to many
of us that storing energy in human fat is actually a valuable way of
reducing our impact on the environment. Government may be introducing
plans to extract this fat by large-scale liposuction programmes and
storing it underground, but we all have a responsibility to reduce our
participation in ecologically hazardous physical activity.

Looking at my own lifestyle, it was easy to identify my cycling habit
as a major problem. I'm only too aware of the amount of heat that
cycling can generate but cutting down was not going to be easy, so six
months ago I turned for help to my friend Jeremy. He has not cycled
since he was a child and is a respectable three stone heavier than me.
He now runs a consultancy helping people like me to face up to and
overcome our environmental deficit.

I explained to Jeremy that I had been trying to reduce my cycling
mileage:

"I've been trying to keep it down to 10 miles a day but it just keeps
creeping up - sometimes I'm doing 20 or 30 a day. And the weekends are
the worst; when the sun is shining I just can't resist heading for the
hills."

Jeremy explained that there were different approaches to the problem:

"Some people can gradually cut down their cycling but that doesn't
work for everyone. People like you probably need to just decide to
stop cycling entirely one day. I'd suggest you just get rid of your
bikes and buy a car."

"Buy a car? But that's such an unreliable way to travel around town.
You never know when you are going to arrive because of congestion and
problems with parking. I mean, I have work to do and people who rely
on me being on time for my appointments."

"You have to explain to people why you are making this choice. You'll
probably find that they are very understanding."

"And what about longer journeys? I use my folding bike to get to the
train station and then I can work on the train - it's incredibly
convenient. In a car, you just have to sit there and you can't do
anything else."

"Well, I admit that it can be difficult combining car travel with
other activities but you'd be surprised how much you can do with a
little practice. Talking on the phone, texting, smoking, eating,
drinking - it's all possible."

"But what about the cost? I mean cars cost thousands of pounds and
that's just to buy one. Then there are all the running costs and
insurance and tax and the hassle if they break down and so on. And, on
top of that, if I stop taking exercise and put on weight, I'll
probably be shortening my life as well. So you're offering me the
opportunity to have less money and die sooner. It's not very
appealing."

Jeremy looked pained.

"Look, no one said it was going to be easy. There are some sacrifices
we all have to make if we are going to overcome the problems facing
the planet. After all, it won't be any good living longer if climate
change means the country has become either a desert or been flooded by
the sea."

I nodded, feeling suitably guilty.

"OK, I take the point. But you've got to give me something here. What
about the fun factor? I get a big kick out of cycling, both going up
the hills and coming down them - especially when I'm off road on my
mountain bike. How can I get that kind of sensation in a car? I mean
it's just like sitting down in an armchair. I'm afraid that I'll get
so bored that I won't want to carry on."

Jeremy smiled.

"I can definitely help you there! You just have to drive as fast as
possible and the speed will compensate for being inside the box. It
really can be great fun."

"That sounds good. But, and forgive me if I sound like a wimp, isn't
it also terribly dangerous? I hear that thousands of people are killed
and injured every year because of people speeding on the roads. And
you can get into trouble for speeding as well, surely?"

This time Jeremy laughed.

"Ah, now we're getting to the point - to succeed you need a
fundamental change in your attitude. I expect that like many other
people you think that becoming a motorist is just a matter of passing
your test and getting a car."

"It's not?"

"No, to be a true motorist you have to believe in motorism."

"Motorism? What on earth is that?"

"Motorism is a belief system with two main principles. The first is
that, as a motorist, you have a right to drive whatever you like and
wherever you like. Don't fall into the all too common trap of thinking
that the vulnerability of cyclists, animals, pedestrians and whoever
should affect how and where you drive."

"Oh right. Well I can see how easy it would be to fall into that
particular trap. And what's the second principle?"

"The second principle is that road rage is good. Yes, you'll hear
people talking about road rage as if it was a bad thing but this of
course is nonsense. There are so many obstacles facing motorists -
traffic laws, traffic wardens, traffic jams and, of course, traffic -
that they need anger and aggression to overcome them. After all if you
thought about the real stress and cost of motoring you'd probably just
give up and take the bus and then where would we be?"

"Phew. I have to admit there's no answer to that."

So how am I getting on six months later? Even though I do try to drive
everywhere and not ride my bike I still don't think I can call myself
a real motorist. But at least I do know that I am poorer, fatter, and
angrier then ever before.

Wrote:
How to give up cycling
Written by Bob Williams
Following the shocking revelation that heat generated by vigorous
exercise is a major contributor to global warming.

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/new...cle1363818.ece


--
nget

wrote in message
ups.com...
How to give up cycling
Written by Bob Williams
[...]

Blah, blah, blah ....

Way too long a message you freaking idiot! Do you think we have all the time
in the world to read your idiocies. Learn how to post short and sweet. We
all have very short attention spans here.

Jesus Christ ... this freaking Eco is some kind of asshole from another
universe altogether.

Regards,

Ed Dolan the Great - Minnesota
aka
Saint Edward the Great - Order of the Perpetual Sorrows - Minnesota