OJ Confesses: Tyler Did It

Boulder, Colorado (19-April-2005)



OJ Simpson, former star of "The Simpsons," finally broke down, yesterday,
and confessed to knowing who killed his ex-bitch, Nicole.



"I can't keep quiet any longer," the once and future cartoon character told
an interviewer from ESPN, the Extra Steroids Please Network, "Like most
people, I've been lying about the murder in order to protect Tyler Hamilton,
who's much too busy diverting attention from the peloton by schmoozing Dick
Pound et al. at Camp Vampire, and shouldn't have to be bothered with all
these petty, cold-blooded, brutal murder charges."



Simpson told ESPN, the Extra Self-righteous retired Porker Network, that an
extremely antsy Hamilton came by his Rockingham gate, one night in June of
'94, with his own trailer-park trophy bitch, Heaven, looking for some class
action.



"He wanted to go over to Nicole's and give Faye Resnick a Bolivian necktie
or something," Simpson said. "Just for kicks. Then he wanted to give Ron
Goldman a partial birth abortion, if you know what I mean."



Simpson said he tried to call 911, but Heaven stopped him by threatening to
take him to court over his showing her his cock or something.



"I told Tyler I had to go to Chicago," Simpson continued, "And suggested we
just go out and chip some golf balls for a while. But Hamilton said he
wanted to go take a shower with Heaven and then they'd both fly to Chicago
with me. But then the phone rang and it was Larry King."



Simpson said that King told him to go over and kill his wife cause "Things
are gettin' just too ****in' slow around here," and that's when Simpson told
King about how Hamilton wanted to go over and give Faye Resnick a Bolivian
necktie.



Apparently, however, King told Simpson that was a totally stupid idea and
wouldn't get any decent coverage, but if Tyler killed Nicole while Simpson
and Heaven watched, that would make a good story, and in fact, had enough
facets so it could be slowly released over years and years, like a 24-hour
time-release cold tablet.

According to Simpson, King was skin-popping angel dust with Johnny Versace
and Elton John and John Kennedy Jr. and Ruth Bader Ginsburg at the time, and
he came up with the whole scenario while they were on the phone and
everybody kept doing more drugs and egging him on.



"King made me promise to do the Bronco chase during his show, and said we
could fill up about 3-4 years with just me and the subsequent trials,"
Simpson said, "And then, when that was starting to get, you know, really
boring, we'd bring in the whole Tyler Hamilton blood transfusion twin-twin
angle and a year after that we'd bring in the whole Heaven angle, which
would give us maybe another 2-3 years of play on the story, and hopefully by
then, we could develop some new talent who would come up with even more
brutal, more absurdly stupid murders and maybe even unheard of new types of
crimes and trials and even emotions."



According to Simpson, King said that, after that, he'd be retired and really
didn't give a good flying **** what happened -- though King claims it was
just the drugs talking.



Simpson claimed he'd been paid $12 million for each phase of the show, as
though each phase was a complete movie unto itself. "I was just an actor
hired to play a part," said Simpson. "Tyler Hamilton and Heaven were just
innocent dupes, and Larry King was the mastermind. Larry King is the
mastermind of all culture."

According to the interviewer, OJ told him, off the record, that his brain
has been replaced with a handheld artificial intelligence device, because
Rupert Murdoch, Ted Turner, Bill Gates, and Sonny Bono (who's death was
recently faked so he could get away from his wife and family and so Cher
could get some much-needed publicity) all felt he was much too important a
property to be left to the mere whim of serotonin, potassium, and acetyl
cholinesterase.