Bread Danger!

I saw this and for some reason I thought of Vandeman's "scientific"
proof that most mountain bikers do whatever it is he thinks will sound
bad that day.

http://www.eskimo.com/~spban/bread.html

Research on bread indicates that:

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.

2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming
households score below average on standardized tests.

3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the
home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant
mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth;
and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged
whole nations.

4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24
hours of eating bread.

5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven
that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse.
The average American eats more bread than that in one month!

6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low
incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and
osteoporosis.

7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread
and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two
days.

8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder"
items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.

9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more
than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your
body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you
into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.

10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.

11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit!
That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.

12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish
between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical
babbling.

In light of these frightening statistics, it has been proposed that
the following bread restrictions be made:

1. No sale of bread to minors.
2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete celebrity TV
spots and bumper stickers.
3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal
ills we might associate with bread.
4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal
to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
5. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.

Guy
--
May contain traces of irony. Contents liable to settle after posting.
http://www.chapmancentral.co.uk

85% of helmet statistics are made up, 69% of them at CHS, Puget Sound

I love this!

It really shows how anything can be made to sound dangerous and therefore
should be legislated from people's choices, or even out of existence
entirely.


"Just zis Guy, you know?" wrote in message
...
I saw this and for some reason I thought of Vandeman's "scientific"
proof that most mountain bikers do whatever it is he thinks will sound
bad that day.

http://www.eskimo.com/~spban/bread.html

Research on bread indicates that:

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.

2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming
households score below average on standardized tests.

3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the
home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant
mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth;
and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged
whole nations.

4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24
hours of eating bread.

5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven
that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse.
The average American eats more bread than that in one month!

6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low
incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and
osteoporosis.

7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread
and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two
days.

8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder"
items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.

9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more
than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your
body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you
into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.

10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.

11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit!
That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.

12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish
between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical
babbling.

In light of these frightening statistics, it has been proposed that
the following bread restrictions be made:

1. No sale of bread to minors.
2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete celebrity TV
spots and bumper stickers.
3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal
ills we might associate with bread.
4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal
to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
5. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.

Guy
--
May contain traces of irony. Contents liable to settle after posting.
http://www.chapmancentral.co.uk

85% of helmet statistics are made up, 69% of them at CHS, Puget Sound

Anansay wrote:

I love this!

It really shows how anything can be made to sound dangerous and therefore
should be legislated from people's choices, or even out of existence
entirely.


I still prefer the one about the dangers of Dihydrogen Oxide.

"Mitch Haley" wrote in message
...
I still prefer the one about the dangers of Dihydrogen Oxide.

Agreed - still the best: http://www.dhmo.org/

--
Scott Ehardt
http://www.scehardt.com